Some Pictures

On a boat with some friends a few summers ago. We weren't trying at the time. I look so NOT stressed.

Joe's 30th Surprise Birthday Party

Miami Vice theme

It was so funny. Everybody dressed up!

Uploading pictures is not that user friendly. Props to those of you who put a lot.

Starting the IVF Journey

After my period arrived in full effect on Monday, I called the Dr and scheduled an appt to come in to talk about our options. We had a lot of questions.

How long does the process of IVF take?
What are the steps?
What drugs will I have to take?
HOW MUCH WILL IT COST???????????? (It sucks to not only be stressed about not being pregnant, but to also have to stress about getting thousands of dollars together to MAYBE get preg)
How many eggs are typically produced?
How many of those eggs are viable for ICSI?
How many usually take?
How many should be transfered?
What do we do with the ones that are good, if we don't want to transfer all?
What are the success rates if we transfer 1? 2? 3?
What are the chances of 1 baby? 2 babies? 3 babies? 4 babies? If we transfer 1? 2? or 3?

So she answered all of our questions and the whole thing is a lot less crazy risky than we thought. We felt really good about what she said. We were debating on moving forward or taking a break for a while and letting nature do it's thing. We decided to move forward. I don't really trust nature. I also asked the dr, "Given that I had such a good reaction to this last treatment, could there be something else wrong? Are there more tests or something?" She said YES, there are thousands of other things it could be, but we don't have the knowledge to figure those things out. So, given that lovely little bit of info, I say F nature. We may never get preg by having sex. I can't just sit back and wait. Joe was a little worried about IVF between the drugs and the possible number of eggs, but after of talk with the doc, he felt a lot better. I was mostly already on board, but I wanted us both to be on the same page.

We have the IVF class on March 15 and I'm on the pill right now:( I hate this part. I wish the BCP wasn't part of this process. Even though we were waiting for the next step we could be trying on our own and hoping for a miracle. But being on the pill there's just no chance of getting preg in March. (or April)

I can't believe we are here. If all went according to plan and we got preg in June 2008 we would be planning a first birthday this month:( If I didn't have a miscarraige in Nov of 2008 we would have a 9 month old right now. If, if, if... Why do I do this to myself????? Is it possible to miss someone you never even met?

We had a good laugh

Joe and I have a real estate investment business. We run ads to buy houses in the area. Here is a typical ad:

WE BUY HOUSES

Any area, any condition

In foreclosure?

Abandoned?

Vacant?

Run down?

In need of major updates?

No problem.

Call or Email Us at 555-1212 or lisa@xxxxxxxx.com

Yesterday we were driving around from one appointment to the next...and I was feeling sorry for myself, per the usually and we came up with this great idea. We'll run an ad for a baby:

WE'LL BUY YOUR BABY

Any age, any sex, any ethnicity

No papers?

Not potty trained?

Doesn't eat veggies?

NO Problem

Call or Email...

Well, we got a laugh out of it. My other thought is to start learking around the maternity ward of the hospital with 10K in hand...

When will it be my turn?

My 2ww ended early at 12 DPO with some very light brown spotting when I wiped after peeing. I knew what was coming. My weekend with my friend was about to end. We were getting ready to head to the airport where I was dropping her off and picking Joe up. He went to visit his brother in Orlando. We had been talking about where I was in the whole process of tcc all weekend, but when I saw that Sunday morning I couldn't tell her it was over for this cycle. I couldn't really say anything. I took her to the departures gate and waited there for Joe. He had just landed as I pulled up. She got out of the car and walked away, and I just broke down. I sat there crying, until the door opened and Joe got in. He was excited and said hi Lover, in a cheery voice, followed by what's wrong. I couldn't say anything. He knew. Did you get it this morning. All I could do was shake my head. What else is there to say? It's like, you've left your body and you're floating above watching yourself. Everything is fuzzy and spinning a little. It's hard to catch your breathe. We both really thought it was going to happen this month. I know I think that every month, but some months I know I believe a little more, because when I'm not the fall is further down. I keep falling. Joe is asking me questions, and I can hear him, but it seems like he's far away and my mouth is stuck shut, words won't come out. There's nothing to say.

That night there was no actual bleeding, still just a very small amount of brownish when I wiped. So, I googled something...who even knows what I typed in, to find out...I could be preg! So I wasn't going to do the Lovenox and prometrium, but then I started to freak out and figured I better. I'm laying there in bed telling myself, there's no way, but maybe.

That morning, in full effect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I stood there in the bathroom crying into the hand towel thinking about the hope that I had for the last 2 weeks. All that excitement. Thinking about when I would start to show. How we would tell our family and friends. How I'm still right here where, almost 2 years later, all that effort, energy, drugs, surgery, excitement...and nothing.

That was the 7th IUI. Our next step with the RE is IVF. I never thought we'd be here. NEVER. Why is this happening to us? What did I do? Am I being punished for something?

1 Week Down...1 To Go

Still here in the 2ww. Since my IUI my ovaries have been hurting. I had 11 follicles. How do people have 20+? I don't understand how it's even possible. Since the IUI the pain has gotten a worse. It feels like sharp pains in my lower abdomen. And I have to pee all the time. When I pee it feels like I have been holding it for a long time, but I haven't. I started to get nervous that maybe this wasn't normal so I call the dr's office, but the nurse assured me it was normal and I was probably peaking about now, so it should get better.

Tomorrow on the View, an episode about infertility. Bill Ransick and Juliana will be on. Someone told me a few months ago that they heard they were having issues getting preg, so I'm interested to see what they have to say and if they have anyone else on the show.

My Mind is GONE

I am so consumed with ttc and so pumped up with drugs that I'm starting to really lose it. A few days ago Joe and I arrived home about 3 ish and walked into the kitchen. Joe said, "the stove is on. What did you have for breakfast?" Eggs. I made eggs at 8 am and didn't turn the stove off. I can't believe I did that. I've NEVER done that before. I could have burned the damn house down.

Today, I was talking on the phone as I was driving to Michael's. I arrived and was still talking so I turned off the car and continued my conversation for about 30 minutes. When I got off the phone I went into Michael's. I was in there for about 2 minutes because they did not have what I needed. ( A rubber stamp of the letter K to stamp on the white bags that are part of the favors for my friends bridal shower.) Joe called me as I was walking back to the car, we were chatting, I got in and started the car, tried to start the car...shit. (Thankfully Joe was still on the phone.) My car won't start, what do I do? Joe to the rescue. He's coming to jump my car. Mind you he has a crazy day and has to meet two groups for school projects, stop by a rental property and get gift cards for some people doing work on some rentals. Again, I have NEVER done this.

There's one other thing but that's too embarrassing to mention. Trust me!

I miss it...my mind that is.

A Secret Society

I was thinking today about all the women who decide to start trying, go off the pill (or stop using condoms) have sex, like once...and poof, pregnant. I wonder what that's like. They have no idea about this IF world that exists, with blogs and twitter. They just go about their day totally unaware of us, over here. I'm sure they have their own problems, because everyone does, but I feel like I'm part of a secret society.

I'm telling myself right now, "If everyone threw their problems into a big pile, you'd rush to grab yours back." I guess. But if everyone threw their babies into a big pile, I'd grab any one I could.

I got a very nice note today from a friend I went to high school with:) Thanks for sharing your story. She tried for almost 2 years...and now she has a little boy.

It's terrible, but I like people more who have had trouble. That's so mean! I know. I shouldn't even say it. I don't even know what else to say about that. It's true and it's awful of me.

I wonder what I'm oblivious to that other people sneer at me for. I feel like I'm being kicked in the uterus when people announce their pregnancy, but what do I announce that kicks people? My wedding? I guess. My husband? Maybe. A vacation? Everyone CAN do that, so I don't think that's a kick. I hope I'm sensitive to other peoples' feelings and insecurities, because I don't want to make people feel like I do, when the latest FB post announces yet another BFP.

I think he thought I was joking

I was at the Dollar General, where by the way, not everything is $1.00...and the cashier offered me his children. I said, sure I'll take them. I think he thought I was joking. I was NOT.

Are there excercises I should not be doing while trying to get this little egg to sick? I take step, kick, pump and bootcamp. There's a lot of jumping and it's pretty intense. I was reading someone's blog and they were commenting on how they found out they shouldn't do a certain type of yoga. So now I'm wondering...

DAY until I can do HPT: 11

Lovenox and Prometrim coming up in about 60 minutes. I try to put off doing the lovenox because IT SUCKS!

Does ovulating make you tired?

I know you're very tired in your first trimester...but what about during ovulation and while implantation (hopefully) is occurring. I've been tired the last couple of days. I'm blaming it on my ovaries working extra hard. Lame, I know.

I had lunch with a friend today. She is due in March with her second. Mostly it's hard to be around preg people, but she's been here through the whole thing and is very supportive and concerned about the whole situation, so it's really nice to talk to her. Though I am a little jealous. She started trying for #2 about a year after we started trying for #1, and was preg on the first try. Now the baby is almost here and I'm still trying. It's weird, to see time just passing me by. At least I get to buy some baby clothes, even if they're not for me.

Tonight I start the Lovenox and Prometrim. I think I'll google, prometrim. I'm not quite sure what it does. Might be nice to inform myself about what I'm putting in my body. Can't be any worse than the urine of menopasal women...

Count down to March 2: 13 days

About TODAY...phew, I caught up

So here we are. I'm writing in the present. I feel like I've been speed writing. I'm sorry that some of the details and emotions of the moments were left out of the last 19 months!

The 2ww begins. No needles today. I get one day off. Tomorrow I start the Lovenox. This month I'm also starting Prometrim (sp?). It's a pill you take orally. As she started to tell me, she was going to prescribe it, I thought of people's blogs I had read about where they've had to put the progesterone, and I must say I lucked out with this one.

I can test on March 3. We are feeling really good about this time!

Oh, I forget to add the other NEW thing I tried this past cycle. A Chiropractor. I've been going for a few weeks. I met him at a dinner party, and go figure I was talking to his wife about my IF. She was telling me how some people have had success getting preg after seeing a chiropractor. I figure, what the hell, I'll give it a try. More about the details of my first appt later. It is very interesting!

About Jan 2009 cont. and Feb 2009

So my vacation is over and so are my hopes for this month.

We're trying something new again this cycle. When I call to schedule my baseline u/s the nurse at the dr's office tells me to start the pill.

We're doing a simulated IVF cycle this month. The dr mentioned this would be the next step but we didn't really talk much about it. Has anyone heard of this? I googled it and I couldn't find anything on it. Unbelievable. I didn't think there was a topic that you couldn't find on google. Well I did it. So I don't have anyone else's experience of the simulated IVF cycle.

I'm on the pill for CD 2-22. Basically using all the pills until I get to the sugar pills. No need to take those. On CD 16 I start Lupron. This basically puts my ovaries at rest, shuts down your system, so you're starting from ground zero. At this point I'm, just doing what I'm told. I just want to be preg. If she told me to stand on head and spin I think I'd do it. Joe is starting to get nervous about all the drugs. He wants to talk about taking a break from ART and try on our own. He says, since the endo surgery, we haven't really tried on our own. I see his point, really I do, but I can't stop myself. This situation is so out of my control, and I am a control freak, but at least doing these drugs and going to these appts makes me feel like I'm doing something to help the situation. I can't just sit back and let things happen. Not at this point. We've already wasted so much time. I'm not saying the last 2 years of our life was a waste by any stretch of the imagination, because I do feel very fortunate for the life we have, I just want a baby to be part of that life.

CD 24 I get my period, right on schedule. I go in for a baseline u/s and bloodwork.
I get the ok to start the Menopur the next day. My dr calls me on Sats to give me these results. They really are great there!
So I decrease the amount of Lupron, but still continue to take it. Now I have to do two shots! This cycle I'm up to 4 amps of the Menopur.
CD 6: Blood work
CD 8: Bloodwork E=1019 (which I'm told is good), u/s right ovary 5 follicles. All about the same size. Left ovary 7 follicles. All about the same size. They are all about 13 mm. This is good! Very very good!
CD 10: u/s right ovary 4 follicles, 2 @ 14 mm and 2 @ 16mm. Left ovary, 7 follicles. All 14-16 mm. Dr H says this looks great and she couldn't have asked for a better result. If we do move to IVF, we can do the same thing and we should have a great retrieval. She's thinking, HCG monday and iui tues or wed.
CD 12: Bloodwork E=3015 (right where it should be) u/s right ovary, 2 @ 20 mm, 2 @ 19 mm. Left ovary, 2 @ 16, 2 @ 17, 1 @ 18, 3 @ 19. She kept going on about how great this looked. She told me this picture should go in a text book. I said Dr H, I hope this works, you're really getting my hopes up. Got the HCG shot, and times for tomorrow's drop off and IUI.

CD 13: Joe's turn! I try to read him the instruction once again. He ignores me. Drop off was at 8 am. I had the IUI at 11:45. 10 million sperm.

So, if 11 follicles and 10 million sperm can't make 1 baby, then??????????????????????????

About Jan 2010

I can't believe we've entered a new year and still NO BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's 2010, and we've been trying since 2008. That makes me sad. I've had so many friends start trying after us and they already have babies. Here I am still waiting. I know there are a lot of other people out there, because I've read your blogs...thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!! But IRL it seems like everyone is preg. Damn facebook.

WHO CARES....I'M GOING TO ARUBA.
Sun, beach, drinks, pool, dinner, dresses, no snow boots, and my love. He's been really supportive through this whole process. I get mad at him sometimes because I feel like he doesn't get as upset as I do, when it doesn't work, but really with out his positive attitude, I'd probably need to be on anti-depressants.

So we fly out Mon morning, Jan 4th. Arrive in Aruba around 4:30. The trip was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo amazing. We loved Aruba. The weather was perfect. Our hotel was awesome. Our room was huge, we had a view of the ocean and the pool. We stayed at the Rui Palace. It's an all-inclusive, and the restaurants they had were great. The island is really easy to get around. We rented a car and drove around 1 day, down to Baby Beach at the southern tip of the island. There were a few kite surfers there, but for the most part we had the beach to ourselves. We were having so much fun, I mostly forgot that I was in the 2ww.

14 DPO will be the day we leave. What a perfect ending to our trip, finding out such great news.
I took a HPT that morning, Negative. Well, maybe it's too early. About an hour later...period.

About Dec 2009

Right back on the saddle. We're trying something a little new.

I'm on the PILL. Yes the birth control pill. Oh the irony. We've been trying for 18 months to get preg, so why not go on the pill.

Well apparently the being on the pill will help me get my period on time, and help with the cysts so we can do the injectables again next cycle. So on our way to PA for Thanksgiving I start the pill. I took it and just started laughing. Joe was like, what are you laughing at. And I just held the pill pack staring at the thing, in dis-belief of where we are right now. 19 months in and back on the pill. Now about 6 months before we started trying I went off the pill. Go figure.

We booked a trip to Aruba. We NEED a vacation. Joe has been working on his MBA, work has been crazy and I have been so stressed out with TTC. My dr worked around our vaca. She's been really great. She doesn't mess around. Try something, if it doesn't work, try something else. I really like that because I don't want to waste any more time. I'll be 30 this month. I really thought I would have a baby by the time I was 30. I feel really old. Also, I feel like I'm limiting myself to the number of kids we'll be able to have because of my age.

Well my period came right on time. At least something is working...Now we start Menopur.
CD 5: U/S, Blood work Start 2 Amps of Menopur
CD 6-9: 2 Amps Menopur
CD 8: Bloodwork
CD 10-11: 1 Amp Menopur

The menopur is not as easy as the follistim. You have to mix it yourself, and the syringe is big, there's a lot of liquid and it take several seconds for it to be done. It amazes me the amount of medicine people are aloud to self administer.

CD 12: U/S, HCG 1 follicle. The doc says that is great because that means all the good nutrients went into making one great one. Bound to work.
CD 13: IUI
We had sex last night. Joe's sperm count was called "adequate" I was so pissed. I told him it was a bad, idea. Why did I ever give into that????????????????
Well, we did the IUI. I mean 6 million, when you only need one, there still has to be a good chance, right? Usually, it's between 14 and 26 million. What's good? I've read about people who've had like 70-80 million. Is that the norm? Is there a norm?
Also, what is a norm volume of sperm? It seems like so little?
I'm sure Joe will be estatic to know I'm detailing his sperm...

About Nov 2009

Once again, feeling hopeful. Although we've tried may things this will be the first month since taking care of the "problem" (endo) that we're tried any ART. So, I'm feeling like this will work.

We're going to try the follistim again. Man that little pen device and those little tiny needles. That stuff is just lovely. If given the choice...choose follistim. It doesn't hurt. It's a small amount. It goes in quick. Pretty pathetic to have a favorite type of injectable fertility drug. The needles for that damn Lovenox (not that, that is a fertility drug, but part of the process) really does suck. Why can't they make that with a smaller needle? It comes in pre-filled syringes, so you can't even change the needle. You're stuck with the bastard.

Anyway, month number 18 of trying...If we got preg the first month of trying we would have an 8 month old baby. If I didn't have a m/c we would have a 5 month old baby. Wouldn't that have made for a nice Thanksgiving???? I know one shouldn't do that to themself, but how do you not? No really, tell me...how do I not do that? Oh, I know, have a baby.

Details of try #18.
CD 4: baseline u/s, blood work E=35
CD 5: E level looks good. Start Follistim 150 units
CD 6-10: Continue Follistim at 150
CD 8: Bloodwork E=326 (apparently that is good)
CD11: U/S Right ovary one follicle at 20, one at 16 Left ovary one at 15, HCG shot
CD 13: IUI, have sex tonight.

We are feeling really good. Joe has decided it worked this time, and he thinks we're having twins. We actually engage is some baby discussions like names and cribs again. At first we did that A LOT! Then it seemed like I was jinxing myself, so I just played it cool. (not in my mind, that is non-stop baby thoughts...)

2ww: We would find out right before we left for PA for Thanksgiving. How perfect, we could tell my family in person. Baby would be due in Aug. Outfit would be very hot for Aug, but we could just turn on the AC in the house and get a few quick pictures.

Nov 23: CD 24, 12 DPO. It arrives. I am once again crushed. What else is there to say about that?

About Oct 2009

Went to the dr on CD 3. Cysts still on ovaries. Can't do injectables this month. We can try, but on our own. Now normally I would be pissed, but given that I just had the endo removed, there's actually a chance having sex might make me preg. I mean apparently some people actually do get preg this way...or so I've heard.

It's weird to me, how far removed I feel from "normal people." The thought that people just decide to stop using condoms, or go off the pill, have sex and bam they're preg. I feel like it's a weird concept. Like it couldn't possible happen like that.

Then there's the "we weren't even trying crew." That really pisses me off. I'm sorry, but if you stopped using condoms or you went off the pill...THEN YOU ARE TRYING. "We're just going to see what happens", is trying. Mind you I'm on a lot of drugs, I'm not sure if one of the side effects is uncontrollable rage...

Last thing I'm going to bitch about this post is "getting preg by accident" How does that even happen??????????????

Better luck next month:)

About Sept and the end of Aug 2009

Well at least it wasn't drawn out. Period came on day 25. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How could that not have worked? 7 freaking follicles. Most people only have 1 and get preg. What's wrong with me? I feel like I'm being punished for all the bad things I've ever done.

Day 4 Aug 28th. U/S. dr informs me there are cysts on my ovaries so we can't do the injectables again next cycle. We need to let my ovaries go back to their normal size and let the cysts go away. Apparently your ovaries are usually the size of a grape, but mine were the size of a tangerine. Blah, blah, blah, who cares. I'm fine. I know if I'm not healthy and ok, I can't carry a healthy baby, but it's like I don't care what I have to do to myself, I just want to get preg.

So we're talking about why this beautiful, 7 follicle cycle didn't work. Dr says, I could have endo. We could do a lap and see, or we could try a few more cycles and if they don't work, then make that decision. We figured we have to take the month off any way, so lets do the surgery.

Sept 4. Lap. Endo is measured as mild, moderate or severe. Turns out I had a moderate case. Dr said that's probably what caused the m/c. Surgery wasn't too bad. SUre glad we did it. Now I feel re-energized. Although we've been trying for 15 months, it was kind of all for not.

All these people were telling me how the chances of me getting preg right after the surgery were high. Hopes high, once again! So we try. On our own this month. Sex to get preg...haven't done that in a while. I used an OPK. Got the + so we did it...

I think this could be the month. Now we have a reason why. We took care of it and now we can get preg. No pills, no shots, just old fashion sex. Wow.

2ww. Lovenox. I would be due June 2010. Ok. I'll be showing at Christmas. I'll get to see everyone. Perfect.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAA...Day 34, it comes. Nice and late, just to really torment and torture me.

About Aug 2009

First round of injectables

Day 4: baseline u/s, Blood work to check estrogen level
Day 5: Start Follistim
Day 6-11: Continue Follistim
Day 8: Blood work to check Estrogen
Day 10: blood work, u/s right ovary has 6 follicles (15 mm), left ovary has 2 (14.5 mm)
That is GOOD! I am responding awesome. I am feeling so confindent. This is going to work.
Day 12: bloodwork, u/s right ovary 5 good follicles (18 mm), left ovary 2 good ones (18.5 mm)
Dr asks me if we are ok with multiples. I am estatic!!!!!!! That is my dream.

Ok, so I've always wanted twins and this is just the path we had to take to get that. So, it took a little longer but, it's all going to be great now. Plus we'll have 2 at once so we'll be back on schedule.

DAy 13: IUI

2ww begins. Lovenox shots. Fun fun fun. It will all be worth every needle when we have that (those) baby (ies) in our arms.

About July 2009, continued

Ok, very little time to sulk. Gotta get started on the next cycle.
Femara CD 3-7.
Celebrate our 2 year anniversary. We go back to the place where we had our reception every year. I love it there.

My grandfather passed away this weekend. So off to PA to see the family and have the funeral.

CD 12 HCG

CD 13 IUI

There are some u/s in there too.

Discuss with dr what we will do next if this doesn't work. She said we could either do 3 more cycles of Femara or move on to Injectables.

If this doesn't work ON WARD and UP WARD. We'll see. In the back of my mind, I believe that this month it will work, so we most likely won't have to worry about it.

Ok, so I was wrong. Most likely we will be doing the Injectables.

About July 2009

So, still in the 2ww from the June IUI.

Our 2 year anniversary is coming up July 6th. Also coming up, what would have been our due date, had I not had the mc. Also our friends wedding. One of our friends who will be there, is preg. She got preg the month after my mc. I don't know why, but their pregnancy has been hard on me. I'm very happy for them but it's hard.

It would so nice to be able to be preg for this wedding and be happy and be happy for our preg friends.

July 4th, day of the wedding. Got it. I don't want to go out and celebrate. I want to be alone! To wallow in self pity.

Clearly I have to go...Joe is in the wedding. So I got very drunk. Also, I cried at the wedding. Also, I met someone who over heard me talking and happens to be going to the same re as me.

About June 2009

Take 2

Femara CD 3-7.

Day 13 HCG

Day 14 IUI (Joe's special day:)

Ok, dr says it's perfectly normal for it to not work the first time. But I feel like so many people either have success the first time they try something new or just doesn't work.

I'm leaving out a lot of feeling, because I don't remeber everything. Why I should have been doing this all along.

2ww...again AKA, what feels like a year of my life. Oh, also month 3 of Lovenox during 2ww. Lovenox sucks. It really hurts and leaves a large bruise. So far I've just wasted the damn medicine since I turned out to not be preg.

About May 2009

So my dr had me start with Femara CD 3-7. Day 12 IUI. I responded well to the Femara. Joe's sperm count was good. This was bound to work!!!!!!! Now I have to wait 14 freakin days. Why do 14 days on vacation fly by, yet 14 days waiting...feels like an eternity. I know everyone says it, but it can't be said enough...those 2 weeks SUCK.

14 days past iui...no period, 15 days...no period. Preg test...NEGATIVE. Maybe it's too early?

DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!

I get myself so excited and build up this hope and then it's crushed. It feels like the world is falling down around you. Like you've failed once again.

Joe tries to console me and tries to be optimistic, but I feel like there are no words. I just want to be alone.

About March and April 2009

Consultation, Bloodwork, Paperwork

I had this feeling, again because everyone says, once you starting working with a fertility spec, you'll get preg.

Once again HA!

HSG, "a lot of people get preg right after this"

So I get these things in my head and convince myself it will happen.

If we got preg when we started I would have a baby right now.

Blood work shows I have elevated ANA (anti-nuclear antibodies) so they say this could have caused the mc. When I get preg again I will have to take a baby aspirin everyday and do an injection of Lovenox. So that means, starting now, every month, during the 2ww I will have to start the Lovenox b/c I may be preg.

Joe's turn. SA: Other than the fun rubber room with 1985 porn, Joe is fine.

HSG: Tubes look good.

So, NOTHINGS WRONG?

Then why????????????????????????????????????

About Feb 2009

So, at this point I'm wishing I bought stock in Clear Blue. I'm not sure how much I've spent, but...2 OPKs per month at 30 each plus a 3 pack of HPTs. And we've been at this for 9 months. This is unreal.

I called my dr. She said, I'm surprised you didn't call sooner. Well, gee, I wish I would of, I didn't think I could get things going so quickly since I did get preg. Well great now I've wasted more time. Again, Lisa's an idiot.

She referred me to an RE. Now it's not like they just start you right off with some drugs. There's paper work and blood tests and waiting. I'm so damn sick of waiting. I want my baby now. Right now!

Dec 2008, Jan 2009

We tried. I heard a lot pf people say the chances are really good right after a mc. Well what the hell. I got my period...once again.

So I wan't sure what to do. The dr said I could see the RE if I wasn't preg by the end of the year. But we did get preg, so maybe we should try a little longer.

Jan: BFN

If we got preg the first month we tried, I'd be due in 2 months.

If I didn't mc, I'd be almost done with the 1st trimester.

If, If, If, why do I do this to myself? Everyday?

After a Loss

I was only 5 and 1/2 weeks along, but it seemed like a long time. Only 18 of those days we actually knew. It seemed like so much happen when I was preg, that it couldn't have only been 18 days.

I can honestly say I really didn't think this would happen to me. I knew about miscarriages. But I didn't even think about it, really. Which made me totally unprepared for it. I don't know if you can prepare for this, but some people realize getting preg takes time and that miscarriages are very common. Not me. What an idiot. Now I was devastated.

Also, now everyone who has had a miscarriage was letting me know. Common...I got preg right after...More fertile right after...

Ok, fine. This sucks but I'll be preg again in the next six weeks. Even my dr told me that she had a miscarriage and got preg the next month and never even got her period first.

I hate November 2008!

5 weeks and 4 days. Tuesday night, I noticed a little brownish on the tp after I peed. I got a little worried but it was very very little. Next morning a little more. I figured it was not a big deal but figured I better call the doc.

I went to work and when I got there my doc said I should go get my blood tested.

Joe met me at the hospital. When I got there I went to the bathroom and there was red blood and some tissue.

I got my blood drawn and on our way home the doc had me stop by the office. She did an exam and said it looked like it may be old blood. Asked if we recently had sex. Yes we did. Told me she wasn't sure if I was miscarrying. Go to other office for U/S. my head is spinning but I haven't accepted that anything could really be wrong yet.

U/S woman does U/S. Said she doesn't see a sac, but she will give it to the doc to read. Then I know. I start crying. There's a box of tissues. One left. U/S woman leaves room and then opens door and tosses in a new box. I wanted to hit her with the box. I know it's not her fault, but I really did want to hit her.

Joe tries to hug me, but I just want him to stop. Let's go.

We get in the car. I remember not being able to say anything. I just stared out the window. I could feel the cold from the window on my face.

All I could think was how am I going to tell my friends and family????????????

I felt like I was going to disappoint everyone.

I went home and just camped myself on the couch...and the toilet. I didn't go to work for the rest of the week. I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. Joe called my mom for me. I txt my sister and friends. I couldn't say it.

More Oct 2008

The days seemed to go by really slow. I wanted to be further along. I wanted to be showing and to be able to tell everyone. Well I did tell a lot of people.

Like the guy at the liquor store. Don't worry, we were having some friends over for dinner and I was telling the guy how I wasn't going to be drinking any...

We told our friends who came over for dinner the good news, well she knew when I was drinking water instead of Corona...

We went to Babies R Us to look at cribs. We went to a Halloween Party. Where Joe's mom apparently told several people the news, even though we asked her not to. Some of which I didn't even know???

About October

I have the OPK. I bought two boxes because my period is NOT regular. So I needed to test for more days than 1 box had. Plus I wanted to be sure I didn't miss it. They're kind of expensive when you buy two boxes.

We had a cruise planned for this month. With Joe's family. We didn't tell them our room number and asked for a room on a different floor. LOL. I was expecting the cruise to be worse, but we actually had a really good time. I think the fact that we were all drunk 90% of the time helped.

So it ended up that I was ovulating during the cruise. How perfect would that be if I got preg while sailing the Caribbean??? We weren't having sex on demand. We were on vacation and actually wanted to have sex. That was kind of nice ;)

Oct 21. Dinner with a friend and knew I was going to be drinking. Took HPT. Negative. Only 11 DPO. Maybe too early???

Oct 25. 14 DPO. I always take the HPT and then send Joe in to check it. He always says "Sorry baby." I hate those words. So I send him in today and he says "PREGNANT"

OMG! OMG! I said, "Are you serious?????????????????????????????"

We hug and I have to stare at the thing for like a full minute. It was the digital one, so it actually said pregnant.

We called our mom's and my sister and my dad. I called all my girlfriends. I got on Pottery Barn Kids and ordered this bunny I found and have been wanting.

Joe had to go to class, so I was all alone to celebrate, but I was so happy I didn't care. I just started looking for bedding and strollers.

Joe decided that now we have to conceive all our children on cruise ships. Fine by me!

Well my outfit will be a little too hot for a July baby, but I don't care I'm using it anyway.

About Sept

I had my annual this month. My dr is very good. She told me she wasn't going to make me wait a year before referring me to a fertility spec. What? Problem? Huh? Me? This is crazy.

Anyway. She told me to use a Clear Blue ovulation predictor kit. If I wasn't preg by the end of the year. Call and we'll start with the RE.

So it was too late in the month to do it for Sept. I guess we'll try these in Oct.

About July and Aug

I really thought it was going to work on the first try. Why? I don't know, the process didn't seem that difficult. And people get pregnant by accident...so if you're actually trying, you would think--at least I would think, NO Problem!

Oh, how naive I was...

So July I tried to figure out when I was ovulation, using the online ovulation calculator. I got it now:) Shit. All 3 HPT Negative.

Aug: Bought some OPKs. I went to KMart. I don't know why. I hate KMart. I think I was at the bank, and KMart was close. Well they only had one brand. Which I figured was fine. It was some brand I've never heard of, nor have I heard of since. Well, they told me I was ovulating and we tried again. Now I got it!

Ha. HPT negative. Maybe it's too early. Ha. HPT negative. Well what the hell. I still don't have my period. HPT. negative. Period. Why are you so late. Just to torment me.

I am a planner. This is not going as I planned. The outfit is going to be too hot to bring the baby home in. I'm not going to be on maternity leave from school. Damn it!

I wish I started this blog when we started trying (About June 2008)

I went off the pill in Nov of 2007. We weren't going to start trying yet but I thought it would be a good idea to be off of it for a while before we started trying. (If I could go back in time, I would not do that again.) We were going to start trying at the end of the summer ish. As we were talking more about it, we moved it to beginning of summer. Then, at the end of May when were heading to PA for my friend's wedding, we decided to start trying that weekend.

Well I just thought, that's IT! Well get pregnant in June, be due in March, I'll take maternity leave for the rest of the school year. Woohoo.

We had sex the night of the wedding. And I cried. It was an amazing feeling. We may have just made a baby. Literally. I really thought that was it.

I went out shopping that week and bought an outfit to bring the baby home in. A Ralph Lauren, cashmere, cable knit bunting.

I didn't drink any alcohol for the next two weeks. All I could do was surf the internet for cribs and bedding and carriers and diaper bags. I went to Home Depot and got paint samples.

Then I got my period.

WTF