When will it be my turn?

My 2ww ended early at 12 DPO with some very light brown spotting when I wiped after peeing. I knew what was coming. My weekend with my friend was about to end. We were getting ready to head to the airport where I was dropping her off and picking Joe up. He went to visit his brother in Orlando. We had been talking about where I was in the whole process of tcc all weekend, but when I saw that Sunday morning I couldn't tell her it was over for this cycle. I couldn't really say anything. I took her to the departures gate and waited there for Joe. He had just landed as I pulled up. She got out of the car and walked away, and I just broke down. I sat there crying, until the door opened and Joe got in. He was excited and said hi Lover, in a cheery voice, followed by what's wrong. I couldn't say anything. He knew. Did you get it this morning. All I could do was shake my head. What else is there to say? It's like, you've left your body and you're floating above watching yourself. Everything is fuzzy and spinning a little. It's hard to catch your breathe. We both really thought it was going to happen this month. I know I think that every month, but some months I know I believe a little more, because when I'm not the fall is further down. I keep falling. Joe is asking me questions, and I can hear him, but it seems like he's far away and my mouth is stuck shut, words won't come out. There's nothing to say.

That night there was no actual bleeding, still just a very small amount of brownish when I wiped. So, I googled something...who even knows what I typed in, to find out...I could be preg! So I wasn't going to do the Lovenox and prometrium, but then I started to freak out and figured I better. I'm laying there in bed telling myself, there's no way, but maybe.

That morning, in full effect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I stood there in the bathroom crying into the hand towel thinking about the hope that I had for the last 2 weeks. All that excitement. Thinking about when I would start to show. How we would tell our family and friends. How I'm still right here where, almost 2 years later, all that effort, energy, drugs, surgery, excitement...and nothing.

That was the 7th IUI. Our next step with the RE is IVF. I never thought we'd be here. NEVER. Why is this happening to us? What did I do? Am I being punished for something?