When will it be my turn?

My 2ww ended early at 12 DPO with some very light brown spotting when I wiped after peeing. I knew what was coming. My weekend with my friend was about to end. We were getting ready to head to the airport where I was dropping her off and picking Joe up. He went to visit his brother in Orlando. We had been talking about where I was in the whole process of tcc all weekend, but when I saw that Sunday morning I couldn't tell her it was over for this cycle. I couldn't really say anything. I took her to the departures gate and waited there for Joe. He had just landed as I pulled up. She got out of the car and walked away, and I just broke down. I sat there crying, until the door opened and Joe got in. He was excited and said hi Lover, in a cheery voice, followed by what's wrong. I couldn't say anything. He knew. Did you get it this morning. All I could do was shake my head. What else is there to say? It's like, you've left your body and you're floating above watching yourself. Everything is fuzzy and spinning a little. It's hard to catch your breathe. We both really thought it was going to happen this month. I know I think that every month, but some months I know I believe a little more, because when I'm not the fall is further down. I keep falling. Joe is asking me questions, and I can hear him, but it seems like he's far away and my mouth is stuck shut, words won't come out. There's nothing to say.

That night there was no actual bleeding, still just a very small amount of brownish when I wiped. So, I googled something...who even knows what I typed in, to find out...I could be preg! So I wasn't going to do the Lovenox and prometrium, but then I started to freak out and figured I better. I'm laying there in bed telling myself, there's no way, but maybe.

That morning, in full effect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I stood there in the bathroom crying into the hand towel thinking about the hope that I had for the last 2 weeks. All that excitement. Thinking about when I would start to show. How we would tell our family and friends. How I'm still right here where, almost 2 years later, all that effort, energy, drugs, surgery, excitement...and nothing.

That was the 7th IUI. Our next step with the RE is IVF. I never thought we'd be here. NEVER. Why is this happening to us? What did I do? Am I being punished for something?

1 Week Down...1 To Go

Still here in the 2ww. Since my IUI my ovaries have been hurting. I had 11 follicles. How do people have 20+? I don't understand how it's even possible. Since the IUI the pain has gotten a worse. It feels like sharp pains in my lower abdomen. And I have to pee all the time. When I pee it feels like I have been holding it for a long time, but I haven't. I started to get nervous that maybe this wasn't normal so I call the dr's office, but the nurse assured me it was normal and I was probably peaking about now, so it should get better.

Tomorrow on the View, an episode about infertility. Bill Ransick and Juliana will be on. Someone told me a few months ago that they heard they were having issues getting preg, so I'm interested to see what they have to say and if they have anyone else on the show.

About Dec 2009

Right back on the saddle. We're trying something a little new.

I'm on the PILL. Yes the birth control pill. Oh the irony. We've been trying for 18 months to get preg, so why not go on the pill.

Well apparently the being on the pill will help me get my period on time, and help with the cysts so we can do the injectables again next cycle. So on our way to PA for Thanksgiving I start the pill. I took it and just started laughing. Joe was like, what are you laughing at. And I just held the pill pack staring at the thing, in dis-belief of where we are right now. 19 months in and back on the pill. Now about 6 months before we started trying I went off the pill. Go figure.

We booked a trip to Aruba. We NEED a vacation. Joe has been working on his MBA, work has been crazy and I have been so stressed out with TTC. My dr worked around our vaca. She's been really great. She doesn't mess around. Try something, if it doesn't work, try something else. I really like that because I don't want to waste any more time. I'll be 30 this month. I really thought I would have a baby by the time I was 30. I feel really old. Also, I feel like I'm limiting myself to the number of kids we'll be able to have because of my age.

Well my period came right on time. At least something is working...Now we start Menopur.
CD 5: U/S, Blood work Start 2 Amps of Menopur
CD 6-9: 2 Amps Menopur
CD 8: Bloodwork
CD 10-11: 1 Amp Menopur

The menopur is not as easy as the follistim. You have to mix it yourself, and the syringe is big, there's a lot of liquid and it take several seconds for it to be done. It amazes me the amount of medicine people are aloud to self administer.

CD 12: U/S, HCG 1 follicle. The doc says that is great because that means all the good nutrients went into making one great one. Bound to work.
CD 13: IUI
We had sex last night. Joe's sperm count was called "adequate" I was so pissed. I told him it was a bad, idea. Why did I ever give into that????????????????
Well, we did the IUI. I mean 6 million, when you only need one, there still has to be a good chance, right? Usually, it's between 14 and 26 million. What's good? I've read about people who've had like 70-80 million. Is that the norm? Is there a norm?
Also, what is a norm volume of sperm? It seems like so little?
I'm sure Joe will be estatic to know I'm detailing his sperm...

After 16 months of TTC, I'm trying something new...A Blog

I've read many other people's blogs about fertility, infertility, losses, treatments, IVF, IUIs, etc. I love reading them. Thank you to all of you woman who have shared your story. They have gotten me through days that sucked. And weeks that were crushing. And months that were shattering. The dreaded 2 weeks wait...many of those.

I've actually started writing a book. About a year ago. I work on it once in a while...not very far with that.

Today I watched the movie "Julie and Julia." In which Julie, writes a blog. So although it had nothing to do with infertility...it is apparently what inspired me to start this.

I wanted to share my story, which I was going to do in my book, and I believe I can do that, it's just such a large financial investment that it seems over whelming, so I'm doing this.

Hopefully my story will help some people out there and hopefully I will get some feedback and comments from everyone out there that will help me.