Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Some Pictures

On a boat with some friends a few summers ago. We weren't trying at the time. I look so NOT stressed.

Joe's 30th Surprise Birthday Party
Miami Vice theme
It was so funny. Everybody dressed up!
Uploading pictures is not that user friendly. Props to those of you who put a lot.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Starting the IVF Journey

After my period arrived in full effect on Monday, I called the Dr and scheduled an appt to come in to talk about our options. We had a lot of questions.

How long does the process of IVF take?
What are the steps?
What drugs will I have to take?
HOW MUCH WILL IT COST???????????? (It sucks to not only be stressed about not being pregnant, but to also have to stress about getting thousands of dollars together to MAYBE get preg)
How many eggs are typically produced?
How many of those eggs are viable for ICSI?
How many usually take?
How many should be transfered?
What do we do with the ones that are good, if we don't want to transfer all?
What are the success rates if we transfer 1? 2? 3?
What are the chances of 1 baby? 2 babies? 3 babies? 4 babies? If we transfer 1? 2? or 3?

So she answered all of our questions and the whole thing is a lot less crazy risky than we thought. We felt really good about what she said. We were debating on moving forward or taking a break for a while and letting nature do it's thing. We decided to move forward. I don't really trust nature. I also asked the dr, "Given that I had such a good reaction to this last treatment, could there be something else wrong? Are there more tests or something?" She said YES, there are thousands of other things it could be, but we don't have the knowledge to figure those things out. So, given that lovely little bit of info, I say F nature. We may never get preg by having sex. I can't just sit back and wait. Joe was a little worried about IVF between the drugs and the possible number of eggs, but after of talk with the doc, he felt a lot better. I was mostly already on board, but I wanted us both to be on the same page.

We have the IVF class on March 15 and I'm on the pill right now:( I hate this part. I wish the BCP wasn't part of this process. Even though we were waiting for the next step we could be trying on our own and hoping for a miracle. But being on the pill there's just no chance of getting preg in March. (or April)

I can't believe we are here. If all went according to plan and we got preg in June 2008 we would be planning a first birthday this month:( If I didn't have a miscarraige in Nov of 2008 we would have a 9 month old right now. If, if, if... Why do I do this to myself????? Is it possible to miss someone you never even met?

We had a good laugh

Joe and I have a real estate investment business. We run ads to buy houses in the area. Here is a typical ad:

Any area, any condition
In foreclosure?
Run down?
In need of major updates?
No problem.
Call or Email Us at 555-1212 or lisa@xxxxxxxx.com
Yesterday we were driving around from one appointment to the next...and I was feeling sorry for myself, per the usually and we came up with this great idea. We'll run an ad for a baby:
Any age, any sex, any ethnicity
No papers?
Not potty trained?
Doesn't eat veggies?
NO Problem
Call or Email...
Well, we got a laugh out of it. My other thought is to start learking around the maternity ward of the hospital with 10K in hand...

Monday, March 1, 2010

When will it be my turn?

My 2ww ended early at 12 DPO with some very light brown spotting when I wiped after peeing. I knew what was coming. My weekend with my friend was about to end. We were getting ready to head to the airport where I was dropping her off and picking Joe up. He went to visit his brother in Orlando. We had been talking about where I was in the whole process of tcc all weekend, but when I saw that Sunday morning I couldn't tell her it was over for this cycle. I couldn't really say anything. I took her to the departures gate and waited there for Joe. He had just landed as I pulled up. She got out of the car and walked away, and I just broke down. I sat there crying, until the door opened and Joe got in. He was excited and said hi Lover, in a cheery voice, followed by what's wrong. I couldn't say anything. He knew. Did you get it this morning. All I could do was shake my head. What else is there to say? It's like, you've left your body and you're floating above watching yourself. Everything is fuzzy and spinning a little. It's hard to catch your breathe. We both really thought it was going to happen this month. I know I think that every month, but some months I know I believe a little more, because when I'm not the fall is further down. I keep falling. Joe is asking me questions, and I can hear him, but it seems like he's far away and my mouth is stuck shut, words won't come out. There's nothing to say.

That night there was no actual bleeding, still just a very small amount of brownish when I wiped. So, I googled something...who even knows what I typed in, to find out...I could be preg! So I wasn't going to do the Lovenox and prometrium, but then I started to freak out and figured I better. I'm laying there in bed telling myself, there's no way, but maybe.

That morning, in full effect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I stood there in the bathroom crying into the hand towel thinking about the hope that I had for the last 2 weeks. All that excitement. Thinking about when I would start to show. How we would tell our family and friends. How I'm still right here where, almost 2 years later, all that effort, energy, drugs, surgery, excitement...and nothing.

That was the 7th IUI. Our next step with the RE is IVF. I never thought we'd be here. NEVER. Why is this happening to us? What did I do? Am I being punished for something?

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

1 Week Down...1 To Go

Still here in the 2ww. Since my IUI my ovaries have been hurting. I had 11 follicles. How do people have 20+? I don't understand how it's even possible. Since the IUI the pain has gotten a worse. It feels like sharp pains in my lower abdomen. And I have to pee all the time. When I pee it feels like I have been holding it for a long time, but I haven't. I started to get nervous that maybe this wasn't normal so I call the dr's office, but the nurse assured me it was normal and I was probably peaking about now, so it should get better.

Tomorrow on the View, an episode about infertility. Bill Ransick and Juliana will be on. Someone told me a few months ago that they heard they were having issues getting preg, so I'm interested to see what they have to say and if they have anyone else on the show.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

My Mind is GONE

I am so consumed with ttc and so pumped up with drugs that I'm starting to really lose it. A few days ago Joe and I arrived home about 3 ish and walked into the kitchen. Joe said, "the stove is on. What did you have for breakfast?" Eggs. I made eggs at 8 am and didn't turn the stove off. I can't believe I did that. I've NEVER done that before. I could have burned the damn house down.

Today, I was talking on the phone as I was driving to Michael's. I arrived and was still talking so I turned off the car and continued my conversation for about 30 minutes. When I got off the phone I went into Michael's. I was in there for about 2 minutes because they did not have what I needed. ( A rubber stamp of the letter K to stamp on the white bags that are part of the favors for my friends bridal shower.) Joe called me as I was walking back to the car, we were chatting, I got in and started the car, tried to start the car...shit. (Thankfully Joe was still on the phone.) My car won't start, what do I do? Joe to the rescue. He's coming to jump my car. Mind you he has a crazy day and has to meet two groups for school projects, stop by a rental property and get gift cards for some people doing work on some rentals. Again, I have NEVER done this.

There's one other thing but that's too embarrassing to mention. Trust me!

I miss it...my mind that is.

Friday, February 19, 2010

A Secret Society

I was thinking today about all the women who decide to start trying, go off the pill (or stop using condoms) have sex, like once...and poof, pregnant. I wonder what that's like. They have no idea about this IF world that exists, with blogs and twitter. They just go about their day totally unaware of us, over here. I'm sure they have their own problems, because everyone does, but I feel like I'm part of a secret society.

I'm telling myself right now, "If everyone threw their problems into a big pile, you'd rush to grab yours back." I guess. But if everyone threw their babies into a big pile, I'd grab any one I could.

I got a very nice note today from a friend I went to high school with:) Thanks for sharing your story. She tried for almost 2 years...and now she has a little boy.

It's terrible, but I like people more who have had trouble. That's so mean! I know. I shouldn't even say it. I don't even know what else to say about that. It's true and it's awful of me.

I wonder what I'm oblivious to that other people sneer at me for. I feel like I'm being kicked in the uterus when people announce their pregnancy, but what do I announce that kicks people? My wedding? I guess. My husband? Maybe. A vacation? Everyone CAN do that, so I don't think that's a kick. I hope I'm sensitive to other peoples' feelings and insecurities, because I don't want to make people feel like I do, when the latest FB post announces yet another BFP.