A Secret Society

I was thinking today about all the women who decide to start trying, go off the pill (or stop using condoms) have sex, like once...and poof, pregnant. I wonder what that's like. They have no idea about this IF world that exists, with blogs and twitter. They just go about their day totally unaware of us, over here. I'm sure they have their own problems, because everyone does, but I feel like I'm part of a secret society.

I'm telling myself right now, "If everyone threw their problems into a big pile, you'd rush to grab yours back." I guess. But if everyone threw their babies into a big pile, I'd grab any one I could.

I got a very nice note today from a friend I went to high school with:) Thanks for sharing your story. She tried for almost 2 years...and now she has a little boy.

It's terrible, but I like people more who have had trouble. That's so mean! I know. I shouldn't even say it. I don't even know what else to say about that. It's true and it's awful of me.

I wonder what I'm oblivious to that other people sneer at me for. I feel like I'm being kicked in the uterus when people announce their pregnancy, but what do I announce that kicks people? My wedding? I guess. My husband? Maybe. A vacation? Everyone CAN do that, so I don't think that's a kick. I hope I'm sensitive to other peoples' feelings and insecurities, because I don't want to make people feel like I do, when the latest FB post announces yet another BFP.

About Nov 2009

Once again, feeling hopeful. Although we've tried may things this will be the first month since taking care of the "problem" (endo) that we're tried any ART. So, I'm feeling like this will work.

We're going to try the follistim again. Man that little pen device and those little tiny needles. That stuff is just lovely. If given the choice...choose follistim. It doesn't hurt. It's a small amount. It goes in quick. Pretty pathetic to have a favorite type of injectable fertility drug. The needles for that damn Lovenox (not that, that is a fertility drug, but part of the process) really does suck. Why can't they make that with a smaller needle? It comes in pre-filled syringes, so you can't even change the needle. You're stuck with the bastard.

Anyway, month number 18 of trying...If we got preg the first month of trying we would have an 8 month old baby. If I didn't have a m/c we would have a 5 month old baby. Wouldn't that have made for a nice Thanksgiving???? I know one shouldn't do that to themself, but how do you not? No really, tell me...how do I not do that? Oh, I know, have a baby.

Details of try #18.
CD 4: baseline u/s, blood work E=35
CD 5: E level looks good. Start Follistim 150 units
CD 6-10: Continue Follistim at 150
CD 8: Bloodwork E=326 (apparently that is good)
CD11: U/S Right ovary one follicle at 20, one at 16 Left ovary one at 15, HCG shot
CD 13: IUI, have sex tonight.

We are feeling really good. Joe has decided it worked this time, and he thinks we're having twins. We actually engage is some baby discussions like names and cribs again. At first we did that A LOT! Then it seemed like I was jinxing myself, so I just played it cool. (not in my mind, that is non-stop baby thoughts...)

2ww: We would find out right before we left for PA for Thanksgiving. How perfect, we could tell my family in person. Baby would be due in Aug. Outfit would be very hot for Aug, but we could just turn on the AC in the house and get a few quick pictures.

Nov 23: CD 24, 12 DPO. It arrives. I am once again crushed. What else is there to say about that?

I wish I started this blog when we started trying (About June 2008)

I went off the pill in Nov of 2007. We weren't going to start trying yet but I thought it would be a good idea to be off of it for a while before we started trying. (If I could go back in time, I would not do that again.) We were going to start trying at the end of the summer ish. As we were talking more about it, we moved it to beginning of summer. Then, at the end of May when were heading to PA for my friend's wedding, we decided to start trying that weekend.

Well I just thought, that's IT! Well get pregnant in June, be due in March, I'll take maternity leave for the rest of the school year. Woohoo.

We had sex the night of the wedding. And I cried. It was an amazing feeling. We may have just made a baby. Literally. I really thought that was it.

I went out shopping that week and bought an outfit to bring the baby home in. A Ralph Lauren, cashmere, cable knit bunting.

I didn't drink any alcohol for the next two weeks. All I could do was surf the internet for cribs and bedding and carriers and diaper bags. I went to Home Depot and got paint samples.

Then I got my period.

WTF

I'm not a very good blogger

I already missed yesterday...and it was only my second day with my blog.

In my defense I was thinking about what I should be writing while I was on the treadmill at the gym. If only I could hook something up to my brain to transfer it in here, this blog would be rockin'.

I had a dr appt yesterday. It was day 5 of my cycle and we went in for an u/s to see if we could start the injectables. We couldn't do them last month because my ovaries were huge, and had these cysts. Which aren't a bad thing, health wise. You just can't do the injectables until they are gone and your ovaries are back to normal size.

For those of you not familiar with injectable fertility drugs, here is a little overview. There are several different drugs. Follistim and Menopur are the ones I am familiar with. You take them for anywhere from about 5 to 15 days of your cycle. They help to grow follicles in your ovaries. How they are different from the pills like Clomid and femara, I'm not exactly sure. But I think of it as "steppin it up a notch." You have to have bloodwork and u/s s done while you are taking them to monitor the number of follicles growing, the size of the follicles, and your estrogen level. There's a risk of hyper stimulation, too many follicles in your ovaries, that's what all the monitoring is for. *****Disclaimer****I sort of get all this stuff. Do not take my explanations anywhere. I may be calling something the wrong name or who knows what else!

Anyway, we went yesterday and my ovaries looked good. I attribute that to the little talk I had with them on the drive over. Oh, also, my dr put me on pill this month. Yes the BIRTH CONTROL PILL. Taking the pill while ttc is just hysterical...isn't it. Anyway, it supposedly helps reduce some hormone from being released and that helps to make the cysts go away. So my ovaries looked good and we're OK'd to start Menopur this month. I have been freaking out about this cycle with the holiday. We're going to PA to see my family and I was worried that, that was going to screw things up. Turns out we're going to be ok. Bloodwork Thurs, dr will call Sat to let me know if we need to adjust the dose. U/s next Mon.

We go with the nurse who is going to show us how to do the Menopur. She's explaining the needle and the amps, and the q-caps. And then she explains how to inject it. The cap on the syringe is about as long as my pinkie. She said I could inject it into my thigh or stomach. I asked if I had to stick just the tip in. She said no the WHOLE NEEDLE. I got a little dizzy and grabbed my chest. "Oh my god." She whipped the cap off, and showed me that the needle was only about an inch and a half. Trying to catch my breathe...I was very relieved. I can handle that. The process of mixing the menopur is a bit like doing a chemistry experiment. You have to take 1cc of the saline, put it into the amp with the menopur, draw that out, put it into the next amp, and draw that out. Since I am only on 2 amps right now that's where I end. Holy crap though. She told us that people who are doing IVF have to take like 8. At least I'll be prepared if we get to that point.

So around 9 pm I started my experiment. It actually went pretty well. I was expecting it to be much worse. I had heard it burned a lot and made a big bump on your leg. I didn't think it was bad at all. So I'm off to do it again right now. Hopefully it goes as well as last night.